GREEN BOOK STORIES - RANDOM JOURNAL ENTRIES 1998-1999 (Typed: 22 September 2001) Below are some entries I made in my journal during 1998 to 1999. The spiral notebook is green so to make things simple I'm just calling these the "Green Book Stories." During some of this time I was unemployed. Actually, I was on contract for one company and there wasn't much left to do on my project so I wrapped it up over some weeks and then decided to take off several months. My intention was see a little bit of the country, get some writing done and enjoy the time off. Unfortunately, I was often lazy and I let many days go by without doing much. Wasted. How does this happen? I'm not sure. I suppose a lot of it has to do with being an introvert. The fact that I'd rather be in my own little cave watching the world then out among the world interacting. I'm sure it is hard for some people to imagine. At least, those go getters out there who are always on the move. Life moves at whatever pace you want it to when you aren't being pushed. What I've discovered during my time off is that you appreciate it more when you are working--seems a bit ironic. And, in order to keep busy, it helps to have goals and plans. Not only that but even details on how you will accomplish your goals over time. We climb mountains one step at a time, not with a giant leap. And if it seems too big of a task to accomplish it probably will be especially if you begin to dread and complain about it. I also found that sometimes one can get bored with pursuing those goals even if the plan is a good one. Distractions are good-too a point. As you read the entries below, maybe you'll see the laziness. Perhaps you'll even discover a way to avoid falling into the same downward spiral. 6 AUGUST 1998 - 7:45AM I've got three watches. One I wear all the time and two others; one of which I use to wear and the other which I haven't worn at all. None of them work today. It's like time has stopped. Scary. 14 AUGUST 1998 The temperature is in the 90's and it is only 3:18PM! Jeeze. Boy I'm really going to look forward to the clouds and rain this weekend. I remember back when I was in college a couple of weeks where our A/C broke (in Gainesville, Florida). Man did it get hot inside that duplex. Not only that but it never cooled down in the evening. So, it was in the 90's till midnight. Didn't feel like doing anything. I'm sure when it gets cool I'll be hoping for heat. Worked 12 hours this week. I expect to work less and hopefully finish up next week. My knee still isn't a 100% [softball accident] so I'm not out there hiking. And it is too hot to bike. I don't like sitting here on my duff. Especially now because it is even too hot to use the computer. I should probably sleep during this time. 20 AUGUST 1998 Yesterday was my last day of work after working several part-time weeks. I ended up working one week shy of a year. My money situation is very good with 10k in my savings account. So, now is my time to get my writings organized and up to date. 21 AUGUST 1998 - 12:20AM Another day gone. I have all this time on my hands which I really should take advantage of. I need to make a list of stuff to do and follow it! 19 OCTOBER 1998 It's been difficult to sit down and start editing the book I'm working on (Swimming in the Hate Pool). Hell in fact. I just can't seem to do it for very long. Always getting distracted-bedtime, TV, internet. I hate that. 23 OCTOBER 1998 - 6:08PM I'm at the Kingston/Edmond's Ferry in Washington. I just missed the 5:50pm Ferry-it was late and full. Looks like this will be full also. I just called Mark [old high school/college friend]. His voice sounded different. The older more mature Mark. Perhaps the city ages one faster. Met a hiker today-John. John quit his job, sold his house and is taking six months to see the US and Canada on his own. He is now in Washington and has about two months left. Sleeping out of his truck most nights-got to be tough. He mentioned he hasn't stayed in a hotel and only in a few Hostels. However, he has met several people and stayed with them. Nothing stands out about the last days I saw Mark. I really can't remember when I last saw him. Probably in the early 90's before he got married. I do recall midnight bowling with him and some BBS/MUD buddies of his. I also recall seeing a really crappy movie with him. Something about two transformer monsters fighting for their country. Not much to talk about there. I still wonder if he did get the "B" (?) he claimed in Calculus his Freshman year. Wow. It seems like Mark could have quite an interesting story to tell. And what have I got? I haven't got shit to tell. There goes my "Aspire to Greatness" story about how I recall Mark wanting me to become something. Like, become what he couldn't? Almost as if he had given up. Did he get a degree? What about the divorce-why? Like always, I have so many questions. 7:10PM The ferry has arrived! Now it is almost loading time. Still waiting patiently. It is a 30 minute ferry then another 15 minutes or so to Mark's place. Something between 8-8:30pm sounds about right. [I met Mark, we had dinner and I stayed the night at his place on the floor/couch often bothered by his cat. No journal entries were made after the visit.] 4 NOVEMBER 1998 - INDECISION It is time to start up another job hunt campaign but I'm hesitant to do so. Can't explain why. I guess I feel I'm not fully prepared. Damn. 7 JANUARY 1999 Right now I'm at the apartment with no job. I'm debating whether or not I want to move to Seattle for greater job possibilities as my savings are running low. I'll make it through January alright but I'll be out of money without cashing stocks going into February. My mind drifts to my so-called-friend Mark whom doesn't seem to answer my e-mails. He is too pre-occupied with his life. I think that if I move to Seattle I'll be closer to Mark. But then, I realize it doesn't matter if we lived five minutes away as we probably won't do very much together. Similar to how it was in college ten years ago. We were in separate dorms not more than a minute from each others rooms yet we rarely did anything together. I wish I knew why. Maybe he thinks I'm weird or an asshole. I'm not picking up any answers or clues. I wish my mind would paint a clearer picture. As time goes on I seem to be losing touch with more and more people. My friend Daniel only calls-never writes and my other friend Joe doesn't write (e-mail) much. I don't know what is happening here. Maybe it is me who has to change. Take on a new attitude, new direction. Right now I feel like I have little direction or motivation-it is still tough getting out of bed in the mornings. Looking deep inside I really have not changed much over the last ten years. I suppose not many people do. 7 MARCH 1999 - SUNDAY I sent them my resume on the first of February and tomorrow I start working again. I had a phone screening, a lunch interview and a follow-up interview with three people. This evolved over the last two weeks. Amazing that just over six months has passed me by and with no job. I have depleted all my bank savings during that time and even had to cash out some bonds ($1000) and stocks ($2200). Not much to show for all that money though. Back at Interaxx my commute (before moving) was about 40 minutes (25 miles) each way. I got up around 6-6:15AM, left at 7:15AM and tended to get home around 6PM. So, from the time I left till the time I got home I spent about nine to nine and a half hours at work (approximate 1 hour lunch) and another one hour and thirty minutes commuting. So, the 9am- 7pm, at the new job, shouldn't be so bad considering my commute is about 40 minutes total. Though I'd rather come in around 8AM and leave around 6PM. So, I can still lift weights, cook, etc. It is interesting to note that at the end of the day we still have 3-4 hours left. At least, we hope. I guess I really better get into the right mindset for the job! Not having enough energy could prove to be a problem. Right now I'm pretty tired. The neighbors below me slammed their door-I don't understand that. Why can't they shut it normally? 7 AUGUST 1999 - NERVOUS BREAKDOWN/WORRY WORT It is coming back to me now. The fear that grips me and keeps me down. Keeps me inside myself. Socially isolated. It is fear of life, fear of something new, fear of the unknown. My stomach has ... [Story ended as I ran out of time and went to meet up with Christine that evening. I met her via an on-line personal ad on an Internet site. It is over two years later and we still talk and see each other.] 16 SEPTEMBER 1999 - THE LONG JOURNEY HOME I was one of the unlucky ones who entered college without a vehicle. My parents and I made the 300 mile journey with a car load of my stuff during my freshman year. My college life last through five years and eight moves. The trips home were few and far between. No vehicle, no reason, no weekend trips. Plus, who wants to drive 300 miles just to see their parents. Those same people you've lived with the past eighteen plus years. Living 300 miles away (five and a half hour drive) limited my travel home to the big holidays-Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break. Often it was my parents who drove me up in the fall with all my stuff and helped me return home at the end of the spring semester. The other three travels homeward required me to bum a ride from someone I knew or resort to the RIDE board. I typically used the ride board as a last resort when I knew I couldn't get a ride from one of the few people I did know. The ride board was pretty easy to use and never let me down. There were cards for people looking for rides and cards for drivers looking for riders. You just needed to find someone leaving/returning when you wanted. Often I found one or two or got one or two calls because of my card. I was quite amazed. Especially how sometimes I was able to get a ride at the last minute. For the ride board and friends I usually paid $10-$15 for my ride each way. A bargain when compared to a bus/plane ride. Plus, the bus took twice as long. Five and a half hours. I thought about it often. Most of the time was wasted. Spent listening to the radio and watching the road. A few interesting conversations cropped up but not often enough. There were a few memorial trips within the twenty or so 300 mile trips I did take. Perhaps the most interesting occurred during my third year. Straight from the "You never know who you'll get" ride board horror story. My driver, a white male, had his car decked out with a loud ass stereo which was heavy on the bass side. Throughout most of the trip the music was too loud regardless of my repeated requests to turn it down. This character also had a couple other odd quirks. For some reason he felt the urge to show me his gun. He even took it out of the case. It came complete with hollow point bullets. A little bit further in the trip he reached around into a secret hiding place and pulled out a joint. I almost shit. I was quite upset and let him know I didn't approve of him lighting up with me in the car. He did anyways. I was trapped. I was halfway home. I couldn't turn back. But I did decide to find an alternative ride back rather than suffer through the experience again. My clothes reeked of pot but I don't think anyone at home noticed. One desperate time I rode with a pal who was bring his cats on the journey. Two cats and a litter box. One of the cats, maybe both used the littler box early in the trip. I knew then it was going to be a long trip. One of the cats liked to sleep right between my neck and the headrest. Cat hair was everywhere. Worst of all is I'm allergic to cats-they can cause me to sneeze, and have a runny nose and itchy eyes. But, I needed the ride so what choice did I have. Another interesting ride which I was able to obtain a few times was with a girl who liked to work out. She had the bleach blond hair, a dark tan and, surprisingly enough, did have some muscle definition. Since I also lifted weights we had a lot to talk about. But, just to keep me at bay she was sure to mention her boyfriend-a body builder of course-every so often. Her story about witnessing an actual human cremation was interesting. She concluded by saying she didn't want to be cremated. I rode with her and her friend once and then once with just her. Don't think I ever saw them around campus but then again there were about 30,00+ people attending the university. I got a ride from my roommates friend once. On our way back we were informed of sparks coming out from behind the car. We pulled over and a trooper eventually joined us. It was determined that the guys compressor died. We had to make the rest of the trip without A/C. Perhaps the most interesting ride from a conversational standpoint was a night journey where myself and two other people pondered the questions of life. A discussion that could have gone on forever. I was saddened to find the driver (my sister's friends boyfriend) saying he didn't believe in any God or religion. He explained himself while I listened and looked out into the vastness of the night sky. I left that night understanding someone else's view of life better. My mind wondered. What if. What if he is correct? It was just another question to think about for the next long journey home.